I CAN DO IT TOO…

1 Mar

I CAN DO IT TOO…

vicar photo: vicar vicar.jpg  On his way to work the Reverend Oliver Dimwick spotted an old woman sprawling on the pavement, her feet in the gutter and her nose bleeding, turning a whitish stone flag into rusty red.

“You disgust me,” he growled, his sermon for later that morning rolling around in his head. “You should know better, getting into that state at your age!”

“Help me,” she warbled through a filter of blood and snot.

“You should have thought about needing help on a lovely summer’s day like this one before you hit the bottle!” he said severely.

“But … I haven’t…” Her voice faded into pain and silence.

“You can be quite sure that your sins will find you out, in the next world as well as this one!” he admonished her. “It is recorded that the devil’s in the drink you force down your throat even for breakfast, and it’s the devil that has thrown you like a sack of faeces onto the pavement! When you rise up and find your feet … if you can find your feet, that is, I want you to pray to our lord for forgiveness…”

“I don’t need…” she croaked.

“It’s a disgrace!” He was thundering now, needing to spread his holy word into more ears than the old women’s two. “To think that in six days our lord created us and everything we perceive to be around us and on the very day that he rested you decide to numb the brain he gave you with the demon drink!”

“I haven’t…” she spluttered, her spittle blood-stained and her eyes imploring him.

Just then a spiky-haired youth on a motor cycle drove up, and seeing the old woman in the gutter, he pulled up.

“Is summat wrong?” he asked the Reverend Oliver Dimwick.

“The woman’s worse for wear I fear,” he sniggered in reply. “It would seem that she’s hit the bottle really hard, and at this time on a Sunday morning at that!”

“I never…” wept the old woman.

“She’s not drunk!” exclaimed the youth. “She don’t smell of booze, and I should know ’cause my old woman always smells of the stuff! Nah, I reckon she’s collapsed … some medical thing, but I ain’t a doctor though I was taught summat about first aid…”

“Collapsed, you say?” asked the Reverend Oliver Dimwick. “I say she’s drunk! And I should know because I’m a man of God and he tells me the truth!”

By this time the woman had jerked and was lying still as a piece of litter on the airless moon.

Whilst the man of God was ranting the youth loosed the woman’s clothing and put his own mouth through the bloody snot on her face, and administered mouth to mouth resuscitation as best he could, and beat a harsh tattoo on her elderly chest. The vicar might have watched, but had changed from declaiming the contents of his brain to the universe and had started busying himself staring into the lovely blue skies with a seraphic expression on his face and murmuring little homilies about the wonders of his lord to himself, and a snippet concerning life everlasting.

An ambulance, blue lights flashing and hee-haw shouting zoomed up to the scene. Paramedics leapt out and took over from the leather-clad spiky youth whilst the reverend Oliver Dimwick explained to them about the evils of alcohol.

“You’ve done well,” the first paramedic told the youth. “It’s a good thing you came along. I think she’ll be all right now.”

“To hit the bottle again?” almost sneered the Reverend gentleman. “Well, I’ve wasted enough time on the likes of her. I’ve a sermon to preach and a lesson to teach.”

“What about squire?” asked the youth. “The good Samaritan?”

“Could be,” conceded the Reverend Oliver Dimwick. “How did you know?”

“It seemed relevant,” grinned the youth.

OoOoO
See. It doesn’t take the mythical Jesus to tell parables. I can do it too.

©Peter Rogerson 01.03.15

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2 Responses to “I CAN DO IT TOO…”

  1. georgiakevin April 9, 2015 at 4:16 pm #

    Wait a minute this is such an outstanding powerful post and so spot on how come I am the only one to like it? Where are the readers of good literature/blogs? I cannot figure “WordPress out. Ok I understand why people don’t read my posts since for the time being I am narrowly focused on life in the south, but why don’t you have thousands of read4ers? You are an incredible writer………………….man for me to be the only one to like this post is wrong, very very wrong. I am sorry my friend.

  2. Peter Rogerson April 9, 2015 at 5:42 pm #

    I guess I’m a lousy self-promoter. I also put links an my Facebook (spit) page and receive a few comments there.

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