11 Feb


ADAM AND EVE photo:  IMG_1470.jpg

1. In the beginning was the word, and the word was “fuck” and suddenly, out of nowhere, a gigantic spout of something creamy shot into being and spread across the firmament like nothing had spread before.

2. And a mighty bearded bloke lifted his wand high above his head and scattered seeds on the land, and the seeds grew into flowering plants and shrubs and trees and little monkeys and big elephants and nasty mosquitoes and the tsetse fly, and the world was suddenly glorious with life.

3. And rivers flowed in deep places and little fishes pursued by bigger fishes swam in them whilst on the land the lion lay down with the lamb and looked around for some mint sauce…

4. And the land needed a guardian, for it was out of control, so the bearded bloke lifted his wand high again and in the twinkling of an eye he made his very first mistake (if the mint sauce wasn’t a mistake) and created a creature in his own image. In his own image created him it!

5. And it was five feet seven inches tall, clean shaven, for he’d had no time to grow whiskers, and naked, and the bearded bloke sighed his satisfaction when he saw what he had made and spoke:

6. “Why, it’s like looking in a mirror! But I will call you Adam, for Adam begins with the first letter of the alphabet, and you are the first man. And I will bequeath to you the world you see about you, for it is a garden of all wonders, and you will see within it all manner of creepy crawlies and omnivorous beasts, and you will protect them all.

7. “And I, being fundamentally petty and small minded, have created a tree that you must not touch, which I will call the Naughty Tree. All around you is the evidence of the abundance I have provided you with: cabbages and cauliflowers for you to eat and fleshy creatures for you to roast, and you will be happy. Yet if you pick of the fruit of the Naughty Tree then, being small minded, I will expel you from this garden and into the deserts…

8. “Now tell, me Adam, will you be a good boy?”

9 And the man thought awhile and nodded, but said, “You have provided me with all a man could want, yet I feel strangely lonely. How’s about crafting a companion for me?”

10 And the bearded bloke thought long and hard, and Adam grew weary and cast himself onto the fertile plains to sleep, and it was while he slept that the bearded bloke decided during that first night to provide Adam with a chum, and he removed a rib from the man and caused it to grow into a woman and as an extra treat he made the woman three inches shorter than the man so that the man knew who was boss.

11. And when he awoke next (and second) sunrise the man found his companion, saw the fleshy bumps on her chest and noted the absence of equipment to urinate through, and struck her savagely across the face.

12. “Woman,” he shouted, “I have been created in my Lord’s image and am therefore perfect, but you have no willy, which makes you considerably less than perfect. You are my subordinate and in all things will do as I say, even until the end of time.”

13. And she wept and rubbed her flaming cheek and, in order to get into the big man’s good books she offered him a lovely red and delicious apple and bade him eat it.

14. And he, forgetting the warning about the Naughty Tree and anyway not knowing from whence the apple had come other than her hand, did bite it, and suddenly a snake arrived and sniggered and said “You’re my souls now…”

15. And the bearded bloke waved his wand yet again, and created a second jar of mint sauce, and there was thunder and lightning, and the lamb ran away from the lion….

There are some who might be offended by the above little yarn, probably because it is ridiculous or maybe because it reminds them of something they have heard elsewhere and to those I will say, of course it’s ridiculous, but then so is the book I nicked it from before reworking it…

© Peter Rogerson 11.02.15


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