PREHISTORIC BLISS

18 Jan

PREHISTORIC BLISS
CAVEMEN HUNTING photo: cavemen cavemen.jpg

 “I’ve just had a go at her,” muttered Lugger quietly as he and his best friend slid into the shadows on the forest, in pursuit of a skinny antelope, not much meat on it but all there was on a cold day like this.

“What? Your missus?” asked Bugger, equally quietly.

“The same. Bitch wouldn’t stop moaning. Said as I wasn’t pulling my weight, and me a man like I am with all the problems that involves. So I smacked her one.”

“Only one?” asked Bugger, knowing the truth because he’d heard the furore from his friend’s hut, and could count well beyond ten.

“Well, maybe a dozen,” growled Lugger, “she bloody asked for it, she did! Reckoning I should help a bit about the hut, cleaning and stuff, which is women’s work, we all know that, and me out here every hour the gods give after meat!”

“Same with my missus,” growled Bugger. “But she knows her place, she does. Look, Lugger old mate, you know and I know that the women were only put here to be useful to us real folks. The gods put ’em here to do the bloody cleaning and stuff, so we don’t have to. It’s only right and proper! Anyway, it does me good to knock some sense into her when I feel down, and I feel down quite a lot these days, what with the kids and all.”

“Don’t tell me about kids!” snarled Lugger. “Squawking half the night, and she won’t let me near ’em to give ’em a lathering! It’s do them good, that it would, to have a rod on their backs when they’re squawking! So I gives it to her instead. Where’s that bloody antelope got to, any way?”

“Ran off when you went on about the kids,” growled Bugger. “That’s what kids do – get so far up your nose that you sneeze when you’re about to make a kill! They do that all the time! A man ain’t master in his own life, what with the woman and the kids.”

“I’m going to cast off and go on my own,” whispered Lugger, “and see how she likes that! No man to hunt for her, no man to nag, no man to belt the kids when they need belting, no man to fill her sneering face in when she’s got a mood on her!”

“Makes you wonder why we settled with them in the first place,” sympathised his friend. “I don’t know why I did! Well, I might, I suppose. It were her tits that beguiled me and I got to thinking how special life’d be with them tits in my face all night long when I’m in the land of nod and in need of comfort. A man needs comfort, don’t he? But what does she do? I’ll tell you what she does: she gets fat and drops kids from her you-know-what, and then those tits I fancy so much are all sour milk and staleness!”

“Mine were the same,” sighed Lugger. “How the hell she came to have kids I’ll never know, but she got fat, too, big as an ox, she was, and dropped the first brat while she was doing me my dinner! ‘Can’t you help?’ she bellowed at me with a bloody kid crawling down her legs, so I belted her and that shut her up! But she still had the kid, and that seemed to take all her time…”

“Bloody kids.”

“When I get back I’m going to show her what’s what!” shouted Lugger. “I’ll give her a welting, you see if I don’t! I’m not standing for it any longer! A man’s home must be his and not any woman’s, however good her tits might be. Blasted creatures reckon they’re human, and they’re not!”

“Kids falling from them like rotten apples in autumn,” growled Bugger. “You’re right there, mate, women need keeping in their place! They need discipline! They need a switch across their backs and a fist in their faces for luck!”

“And shagging, if the night’s right for it,” murmured Lugger. “Mustn’t forget that. A man needs it, though it’s a mighty odd thing for him to want, and to no purpose as far as I can see.”

“Makes him feel better?” suggested Bugger.

“And tones his muscles, that’s what it does.”

“Aye, and that. Now where that bloody meat got to? I was too busy talking… hey, it’s bloody gone! I’ll let her know about that when I get back, that I will! If we hadn’t had to talk about her and her ways, get it off the chest as they say, then we’d have that meat by now, and be on our ways home instead of standing here in the middle of nowhere, and nothing to take back! Sodding women!”

“Sodding women,” agreed Lugger. “We show ’em whose world this is, anyway, when we get back, that we will.”

© Peter Rogerson 18.01.15

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2 Responses to “PREHISTORIC BLISS”

  1. pambrittain January 18, 2015 at 7:25 pm #

    Big bullies.

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